The Proposal

Lieutenant Dan:  Have you found Jesus yet, Gump?

Forrest Gump: I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him, sir.

Growing up in the Deep South of the United States, you didn't live long or travel far before you were asked this question.  For the longest time in my life, I, like Forrest, didn't even know I was supposed to be looking for him.  And, even when the question was broached to me, I was quite unclear as to what that even meant.  Is he under my bed?  Is he in the sky?  Doe he live in church?  I would say that up until my late teens I was a "cultural Christian".  If someone where to ask me if I was a Christian I would have replied "yes" because wasn't everyone?  (That probably only makes sense to someone who has lived in the Bible Belt of the US)  But when someone cornered me and asked me if I had found Jesus... well, suffice it to say that he wasn't the only one that was lost.
  

Around age 19, having no idea what it really meant to be a Christian and follow Jesus, and while learning about other religions in college, I decided it seemed rather cool to study and follow Hinduism.  It seemed rather tolerant and karma and reincarnation seemed nice because, being the "good" person that I was, surely I would come back as a regal eagle.  The roach sentence was reserved for those people who did really bad things.  Not me...  Being that I was my own moral compass and all... that would work out well for me.  Right and wrong are relative, right?

I still had questions.  I asked everyone what they believed in.  Do you believe in God?  And even though everyone I talked to would still label themselves as Christian.. they all have vastly different belief systems.  So, then I just decided that it was all too complicated to figure out.  No one really knows anything.  If God is so real and loved me so much then he surely would make himself a wee bit easier to figure out and available to the masses.  So, I became Jennifer the agnostic and sometimes even angry atheist... I teeter tottered between the two labels.  Imagine that.  I wasn't struck down by lightening so it was all good.

Or was it?

In the moment, it certainly seemed that way.  I was quite successful and had friends and family and had no moral law or rules to abide by and I completely and utterly lived for myself.  Life altering decisions were made.  People hurt.  Myself hurt.  Lives changed. 

We can all look back into our lives - believers and unbelievers - and see those crucial moments when a fork in the proverbial road was reached and the path we chose took us to where we are right now.   I would be remiss to not admit that I have many moments of regret regarding many of my poor decisions past.  Remember that "good" person I thought I was?  Well, lets just say if karma was real... I would be screwed.

I now realize that we are all inherently sinful.  Even the good deeds I did (and do currently) were coated with selfishness and impure motives.  I still to this day shed tears of guilt and shame and remorse.  Then, God intervenes either through the whisper that you hear in your head or through the verbal voice of my husband, that reminds me that even though I didn't believe Him and know Him then.. He was still there... loving me and holding my hand even as His heart broke at my decisions that would only hurt me... nary a lightening bolt in hand.  Jesus' death on the cross covered the penalty for my sin. His grace is sufficient for even me... imagine that.

Picture this.  Greenville.  2003.  Girl meets boy.  Girl thinks boy has the most incredible blue eyes she has ever seen.  Girl invites boy to a Halloween party.  Girl kisses boy.  Boy is freaked out... but he kinda likes it.  Girl and boy start dating.  Boy loves Jesus.  Girl thinks that is a little strange but, well, those incredible blue eyes and the charming personality make up for it.  Boy and Girl find out they are expecting a baby.  Did you miss the fact that boy and girl are not married?  Just another peg to mount on the girl's "poor choice" board.

Or was it?

Freddie and I got married seven years ago this weekend, January 9th 2004, in St. Lucia with a sweet little Cinnabon-like bun in the oven.  I am sure many people thought our marriage was doomed to fail.  And, I am pretty sure it would have failed had God not intervened and come to my rescue.  I do not know why He chose me.  I can promise you that I was the sinner of sinners.  And it wasn't my righteousness or any good deed that I did that won me over to God.  I was simply an undeserving recipient of His mercy and grace.  That Jesus freak that I married turned out to be an angel in disguise.  He, and a lot of people that were brought into my life because of my relationship with him, introduced me to Jesus.  I was a hard sell...  It wasn't until two years after we got married that I truly experienced a real relationship with Christ and became a believer.  There wasn't a super spiritual moment nor where there fireworks and I didn't see a burning bush.  But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt - even after some pretty dark and God-lacking days in France - that He is very real.  And I can't explain any better than the people who used to ask me if I had found Jesus.  I just know that when I saw the pink and purple sunrise this morning... the one that created oohs and ahhs from my 3 year old and myself.. I know that God is real.  When I go on a run, listening to praise and worship music, and I get chills up and down my spine and I feel like singing out loud with no qualms that I may be that nutty American... I know that God is real.  When my husband and I can get pregnant after only dating for 2 months, quickly get married, have two other subsequent children in 3 years and live to experience our 7 year wedding anniversary... I know that God is real.  When I experienced the utter miracle of child birth three times and realized how fragile our lives are... I know that God is real.  When I see how sinful and fallen ourselves and society is...  I know that God is real and Jesus is the only way to peace on this earth and everlasting life.

So on those days when I am depressed about my past and wallowing in sinful self pity, I remember that each of those forks that I reached in my life, all lead me to this blessed point right now.  Tomorrow, my whole world may crumble beneath my feet.  Unfortunately, we do live in a very fallen world.  My husband could die, my children could be diagnosed with a terminal illness, we could fall to financial ruin, my mother or siblings could be hurt, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.   But today, in this moment, I am feeling overwhelming gratitude and thankfulness for the God who rescued me from myself... who saved me and who continues to forgive me on a daily basis.  For the God who blessed this undeserving lady with a loving and forgiving husband, three healthy children, once in a lifetime opportunities and incredibly loving family and friends.

Happy Anniversary Babe, I love you.

Life is so good.

 

  

 

Listen to "Came to My Rescue": Came to My Rescue

Came to My Rescue Lyrics:

Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours

My whole life
I place in your hands
God of Mercy
Humbled I bow down
In your presence at your throne

I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and
I wanna be where you are

In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high

In our love be lifted high
Higher and Higher!

In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high

I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and
I wanna be where you are